To say I have fully recovered from my eating disorder would
be a lie. There are still some days when I feel like throwing my duvet over my
head, curling into a ball and hiding from the world. But that is okay; an eating
disorder consumed my entire being for almost eight years, it was never going to
be easy or just vanish, but as each week passes those bad days become fewer and
fewer, and i know one day soon they will vanish completely.
There are a lot of things I could (and hopefully will) talk
about regarding recovery, but with an announcement
earlier today from the BBC stating that hospitals admissions for teenagers with eating
disorders has nearly doubled over the past three years due to low self-esteem issues stemming from social media, ‘self-love’ was something I wanted
to talk about today.
I am sure there are a number of people who would tell you
that self-love is not something I am good at. I can completely relate to those
who scroll endlessly through Instagram feeling they could never measure up to
the girls they see there; never strong enough, flexible enough, beautiful enough…
it can be so toxic. But I think there
are two things to remember here. First of all Instagram is a photo roll of
highlights, not of reality. People place their images into the world so they
can be perceived in certain way. More often than not we do not show our
rawness: the dirty tracksuit bottoms we watch television in, the 11pm pig-outs,
the I-Need-A-Wash hair. Yet really it is those moments that make up our
realities, not perfectly photographic snapshots. The second thing to remember is
that we can beat ourselves up as much as we want, we can hate ourselves to a
point of repulsion, but we will never be the girl in the photo. You do not need
to feel guilty for being you. You are you, and that itself is beautiful and more than enough.
A couple of days ago that was me. I had been scrolling away
(bad Georgina) and was about to send my friend a text and ask if they would
still like me even if I gained a little weight (silly I know, but at at the time this seemed like a very rational question). And then I realised that texting them would not help. It would not matter what their reply was – reassurance is great and so often very helpful, yes, but ultimately the
real question I needed to ask was to myself; would I still like me if I gained
weight?
There is a quote that I have seen a number of times that
states, ‘how can you expect anyone else to love you if you do not love yourself’.
At first I found this difficult to get my head around. But now I see its importance. Let me try to explain. I think this
is about the idea that if you do not love yourself the love given to you
from others will never be adequate, you will always feel lacking. No matter how
much they love you, no matter how many times they tell you you are beautiful,
they will never be able to fill that gaping hole inside you that screams you are not enough. So you can keep on
losing weight or promising yourself that ‘when this or that happens I will
be happy’… but honestly, deep down, you know that even when you achieve that, there will always be something else.
You need to realise on you own that you are enough; to allow yourself
to find the beauty in you. You need to forgive yourself for your imperfections and flaws because they are the rawness that makes you you and that is so, so beautiful.
So maybe today put your phone down. Maybe today start a journal and write down 5 things you like about yourself with as much kindness as
possible, Maybe today write down those things you forgive yourself for. Today stop
searching for something to change. Be happy with where you are right now. Love the person you are, every cell in your body is already perfect - each
and every one of us is enough – and you just need to learn to believe it.
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