A Step To Recovery

Not too long ago I was in a pretty dark place. The eating disorder that had sent my life and the lives of those who love me, on a crazy rollercoaster ride that only seemed to go down was in full control of my mind. I was diagnosed with depression and osteoporosis of my lower spine. I was doing all I could to stay at university but struggling big time. I would like to say that I had a Eureka moment, when I thought ‘this had to change’ and everything just got better. But reality is it has taken a very long time.

I do think realising you need change is integral though. I decided that living in a way that crippled me so entirely just could not go on anymore. My family helped me enormously, taking control when I needed it. They knew how badly I wanted to stay and university and finish my degree but they also knew I couldn’t do it alone. So for the second of my three years at university I commuted to my lectures and seminars. I spent a lot of money on trains. But I also took my first few steps to recovery.

 

Back when I was 15 a food plan was created for me. It told me what to eat and when to eat it. I ate the same thing Every. Single. Day. For 4 years. I’m not kidding. The food plan was designed to make me gain weight, which it slowly did. But that also meant I had to eat 3 chocolate bars a day. Being forced to eat like this meant my fear of food never went away. It meant I would anything to avoid it and so my brain became transfixed, obsessed with summoning up ways to secretly ‘cut things out’.

The first mini breakthrough came when I changed my attitude towards food. I knew that if I wanted get better (physically and mentally) I was going to have to start eating better. So to control my anxiety around food I altered my perspective. Rather than seeing food as something negative I chose to fall in love with it. I chose to see it as something that would strengthen me; something that would help me fight to become the person I wanted to be.

That was in December 2012, a little over two years ago. Since that time a lot has changed. It hasn’t been easy. For a little while I became so obsessed with healthy eating that it actually turned my philosophy full circle and became something negative and unhealthy. But I have taken control again. What I have realised is that it is food that fuels us through life. It is food that makes it possible to live the lives we want in the way that we want and so we should provide our bodies with the nutrients to do so. Life is for living; recovery is worth it. So fight. Fight, fight, fight and never ever give up.