Thus To Paraphrase Taylor Swift

Last night was amazing. I felt like I was in a movie or One Tree Hill or [insert rom-com name here]. A big group of us went out for dinner to a place called Soma in Ubud town centre. It is a beautiful restaurant where all the seating surrounds a large stone courtyard. The ten of us couldn't fit at one of the usual tables so instead were shown to a one placed in the corner of the courtyard. It gets dark in Bali around 6.30pm so the outside was decorated with an array of fairy lights and lanterns. The food Soma serve is incredible (can you say raw vegan mocha cheesecake!!!! Er, yum!), but it wasn't the dessert that made it so special (admittedly it contributed). What made the evening amazing, to me, was the people, both those who I had gone out for dinner with and the three locals (including the restaurant owner) who joined us especially to play music and to sit with us.

I have always felt pretty self conscious in public places when I'm in front of people I don't know. I hate the thought that others might judge me despite not knowing me. I'll tell myself over and over who care what anyone else thinks, but honestly, me, I do. So I hold myself back and try to fit in. But then last night as everyone else was laughing and singing to the music, being a little loud, but having an incredible time I decided I didn't want to worry about that anymore. I don't want to worry about trying to conform to ideals about normality or what makes someone 'cool' or beautiful. I was surrounded by the most amazing girls (and Adam), who just glow from the inside out. They are so full of life, they grasp every moment and really live it. And, stand out or not, it doesn't matter, because they do what is right for them, what makes them happy, and that is so inspirational to me. The girls I have spent the last three weeks with shine so bright; their happiness is contagious. I think maybe their softness comes from holding so little weight in what others think about them; there is room to love everything and everybody.

So last night trying to bridge a gap between age and nationality we threw out names of songs the local men might know so we could sing to the music they played. I think the most successful was 'Hallelujah', even if some of the verses' lyrics were a little questionable. And rather than sitting feeling silly I decided to wholeheartedly join in. Result? Best night ever.

Thus to paraphrase Taylor Swift... who cares what anyone else thinks you look like? The cool kids might think you dance like an idiot but ultimately who is having more fun? Those putting others down and trying to conform to their own ideas about what is 'cool', or those who are loving the moment so completely and singing from the top of their lungs?

Just Call Me A Yoga Teacher

Just call me a yoga teacher. Today I taught my first ever yoga class! I won't lie, I was freaking out before. Not in the hours directly leading up to my class (MY class!!!) but the days before I suspect there's a few people who could vouch for my insanity. I'm trying to pinpoint what exactly it is I was freaking out about, but honestly it was everything. Comfort me about one and I would become anxious about another. I wanted to achieve perfection.

A few days ago in class we were speaking about the patterns we create in our lives; about the habits that are so ingrained within our everyday that we can't help but keep falling into them. For me, it is the need to always be perfect, in Absolutely. Everything. And when I inevitably fall short? I beat myself up big time. Always rubbish. But right then I realised I don't want that anymore; I don't want to feel like that. It will take energy to lift myself from the rut I've created - that pattern in my thinking - but I don't want to hear that tyrant voice, especially when it is my own.

So I have decided to take responsibility; to choose to recognise my own potential and be kinder to myself. Leading up to teaching my class it was in learning to be softer. Realising that every time I have helped someone with their handstands after class, or given a friend an alignment suggestion I have been teaching. Realising that yoga and teaching are my passion; share that, share my practice and that will be enough.

This morning I did my class and it went well. Was it perfect? Of course not. I messed up a few breathing cues, missed some of my warm up exercises and could have made a couple of the transitions in the flow a little smoother, but as a first ever lesson, it was more than adequate.

I'm learning to see my own potential. Just call me a yoga teacher...

Travel

I've always liked the idea of travelling. I think the photos I see pinned on Pinterest boards, airily named 'wanderlust', always fitted with an idea I had of myself... A carefree girl with beachy long hair, who drank juices, decorated her room with bohemian throws and surfed (don't ask, I have no idea either, I'm actually a little scared of swimming...) But in reality, much like being in the middle of the ocean, travelling always scared me.

I'm a home bird. I like routine and I like feeling safe. I've never had the whole independent thing down. So although the idea always looked nice deep down I never thought I would actually end up wanting to travel. But today entirely changed my perspective.

This morning me and one of my new friends wandered into town. I've spoken before about how magical Ubud is and this is something I definitely stand by. The people, the feel, the colour, the vibrancy of the whole place; I love it.

Living in the moment is something I always try to do, but I know how easy it is to get caught up thinking of other things. I am still that person on auto-pilot, arriving somewhere and not really remembering the journey, and yet somehow I think traveling stops that. Today as I wandered around this incredible new place I felt so engrossed in the moment. Time passed but I wasn't really aware. Everything being new to me I couldn't get enough. I didn't want to be anywhere else and I felt so happy.

So when I think about travelling now it doesn't feel quite so scary. Instead it excites me. I've realised that I want to uncover new places... To spend a few weeks here and there, finding magic that I didn't know existed before. The more I think about it the more excited I get. Maybe it is time I made my own 'wanderlust' Pinterst board. Hey, I might be a surfer girl yet...

Appreciation

Today we watched a DVD by a guy called Paul Grilley that I think was really important; not only for someone learning to be a yoga teacher but also for all those practicing yoga and learning to accept your body.

In the DVD Grilley explains how no two skeletons are the same and how this can have a huge impact upon your own yoga.Trying to achieve a pose, to look outwardly 'correct' or more aesthetically pleasing, sometimes just isn't possible for some people. Sometimes it isn't tight hamstrings or triceps that are stopping someone from making a certain shape, instead it is their bones.

All our bones are different. I can guarantee that your femur bone does not look like mine. And because of this we are all put together in different ways. Muscle might stretch, but when a bone hits a bone (i.e. compression) you aren't going anywhere. I'm not saying necessarily that you can't get your heels to the floor in downward facing dog because of a smaller range of joint flexion in your ankle, but it's a possibility.

For me this was so interesting in learning to appreciate my body. We need to reach out of the box that suggests that there is a 'right' or 'wrong' way to do yoga. It just isn't effective to believe that making a certain shape with your body is correct simply because it is the one on all the posters. Adhering to this idea will only result in injury or aggravation (or both!).

So remember next time you can't get your feet onto the floor in downward facing dog that yoga is not 'perfection'. It is about doing what is right for you; about feeling your way into a pose, making variations so that it benefits you and your body.

Intention

This morning I woke up and did not want to do yoga, I know, I don't know who I am anymore either. The alarm went off, day 7, and there was absolutely no part of me that thought I could get up and out of bed. It wasn't that I was still sleepy, I felt much more reluctant than that. I wanted to stay hidden, glued to my bed. But up I got and traipsed through the rain (hello pathetic fallacy) to meditation, where I sat (sulked) for half an hour. And then our yoga class began.

Today's yoga class was taken by Jenny-Lee, a tutor who has never lead our class before. She's not your typical yoga teacher; she has blue hair, has lots of tattoos and wears tops that make cheesy yoga puns; long story short she is absolutely amazing. Her enthusiasm for life and being entirely present in each moment with every cell of her body is contagious. And her class reflected this. It was challenging; it required you give everything: to lengthen each limb and to stay strong in every muscle. Specialising in the anatomy of the human body she took us through aligning our bodies correctly not only to prevent injury but to intelligently help us get deeper into poses.

As the class came to closer to the end our movements became slower. Right before savasana (kind of like a tiny nap at the end of every yoga class) Jenny had us step to the top of the mat and close our eyes. She then spoke to us about setting an intention for the day. She told us to let go of anything that was not serving us, and to use the happiness we had found in today's practice as an anchor for that intention.

Yoga is a pretty incredible thing. By the end of the class I felt completely opposite to how I had felt on entering. Jenny had helped me let go. So for my intention I decided to allow myself to be okay. To find my own strength, to recognise it and believe in it. I think it's important to remember that what will be will be: bad things will come and go, but it is how you react and deal with those things that matter.

Enough

In yoga philosophy we are presented with the 'Eight Limbs', eight steps that if followed are said to help live a meaningful and purposeful life. The first of these limbs is 'Yama' meaning moral restraints.  This relates to our behaviour and how we conduct ourselves through life. Under this heading falls the idea of 'Asteya' or non-stealing. You don't need to be a genius to work out what 'non-stealing' means, but most of us aren't thieves, and so we have to look deeper.

For me Asteya is about gratitude. It is about realising both on and off the yoga mat that you are enough. Non-stealing means that you don't covet what others have. In a world where social media is king it is so easy to feel deflated; to wish that you were different; more muscly, skinny, flexible... but in feeling this way you are only stealing from yourself. You are robbing yourself of happiness and robbing others of the amazingness (totally not a word but just trying to be clear here) that is you. Have you ever stopped to think about how incredible your body is? Every second it works for you; breathing, moving... Without you even telling it to. So appreciate every cell; your own unique humanness, and be the best YOU.

We are all perfect and imperfect at the same time. Every. Single. Body. Is. Different. In our yoga practice my teacher reminded us that we have to 'make the pose fit the body, not the body fit the pose'. Achieving a certain shape means nothing; there is no reward for being able to get your legs behind your head (only a potentially pulled hamstring). Instead we should use the poses to carefully strengthen our bodies. Using yoga to be thankful for all our bodies can do, not what they cannot.

Today at the start of class my teacher told us to write a few words on our hearts relating to something we felt strongly about (admittedly slightly cheesy but just go with me here). This morning I panicked and didn't know what to put, but tomorrow I know what I want to write: ' I am enough'.

Meditation

When we wake each morning we have been asked not to talk. We have been asked not to talk from the moment we wake until we get to breakfast - in between which we meditate and complete a yoga practice.This is to help us prepare for the half hour meditation we do each morning - as if I didn't find meditation itself hard enough. For me meditation is extremely challenging; we practice a Zen style called 'just sitting', have you ever tried to just sit with a clear mind? Hard stuff.

I used to be extremely skeptical about meditation. Just as I once thought yoga was all about stretching (I know right, who'd have thought?!), I used to think meditation was all about spirituality, hippies and nonsense. In both cases I was wrong, because in both situations I was pretty darn ignorant.

In the theme of turning yogic terms into something understandable and tangible, I find that the most important thing that meditation helps to practice is being right in the very moment you are in. By not allowing yourself to dwell on thoughts of the past or future you simply sit there in the present. Many argue that anxiety is caused by overthinking about the future and depression by overthinking about the past. If this is true you can see why this might be helpful here.

But meditating is still hard. For me, today went much better than yesterday. The great thing to remember is that meditation will always be a practice not a state. We have been given all sorts of tips to help us; to just accept when we have thoughts and then let them go before dwelling on them, being aware but not reacting... I find it helps to really BE in that moment, to ground down into my mat. However I'm not sure there is a 'knack' to it, but I don't really think that matters. You can't be 'good' or 'bad', that's not what it is about.

I would be lying if I said that I am completely convinced by everything that yogis claim meditation brings. Aspects about cosmic consciousness (don't ask) are still beyond my understanding and maybe they always will be. But that is not to say I don't think it has it's place in everyday life. Meditation is calming, it pauses the craziness and helps you realise everything will be okay. Give it a go.