I spend a lot of time online. I wish I didn’t – but honestly,
it’s one of my biggest flaws. My phone is always in my hand, or at least within
eyesight. It’s the first thing I check in the morning and more often than not
the last thing I look at before I go to sleep at night. I’d like to say that
that’s because I’m constantly on my phone talking to my many, many friends –
but as amazing as my favourite people are – that would be a lie. Those hours
(yes, probably hours) I spend on my phone each day are actually spent
scrolling, usually through Instagram, and comparing, one of two things: food or
other girls’ bodies. It’s a time when I tear myself apart; why don’t I look
like her? Why am I not her? It’s a time I use to hurt myself. Because maybe if
I beat myself up enough I’ll put my ass into gear and start eating less and working
harder. Maybe.
But then. I’m still not her. A week, a month, 10 years later,
I’m still not her. All this time restricting my diet, doing that extra exercise
in my room, and I’m still here – hating this body. But I cannot find or give
myself the grace to stop; because I’m not worth loving. Because wouldn’t it be
weak? Wouldn’t it be the easy thing to give in? We are so constantly bombarded
with articles, blogs, books… ‘this is
how to lose fat’, ‘a new diet for a better
you’, lose weight, lose fat, lose you. Because you, yes you, surely aren’t enough yet.
But there has to be more. I don’t want to accept feeling
like this anymore. I want to feel me again.
Because how can you love a body that is a product of hate?
Carved, hacked, picked apart. Maybe it scares you to love. Because surely to
love means to accept. The realisation that you are not valued on the definition
of your abs or the number of ribs you can count. That doesn’t work. You know it
will never work.
How about instead we, you, start focusing on being happy: insanely
happy; on setting alight and glowing from your very soul. I think maybe it’s
time to stop acting so small. Your body, it’s all yours and that in itself is pretty amazing, is enough. I refuse to
care anymore about what others may or may not think about it. I love it because
it’s mine. I love it because it
allows me to live out the dreams I’m creating. I’ve got this. And so have you.
